It's ten to six. The table is booked for half past, you have your shoes on and the keys in your hand.
They come out of the bedroom, dressed, and stop in the hallway. "I can't. I'm sorry."
You say it's fine. It isn't quite fine. You had been looking forward to this all week, and a small hard voice asks why they couldn't have said so at lunchtime.
What happened before ten to six
In one study, researchers interviewed 26 people with EDS about their social lives. They found some struggled to make plans even a short way ahead, because they could not know how they would feel.
Some of them rested more on the days before and after a plan, so they could go at all.
A diary study of eight people with POTS found the same not-knowing. Every one of them talked about how unpredictable their symptoms were.
So picture the afternoon from their side.
Perhaps they rested yesterday for tonight. Perhaps at three o'clock it was still possible, and at five it was touch and go. Perhaps they got dressed because they had not given up yet.
If that is what happened, then ten to six is when the trying ran out. They may have cancelled late because they held on longest.
That won't be true every time. Some days a person may know by breakfast and dread saying so. Whichever it was, they have lost the night out too.
What stings, and what some people find helps
A couple of lines tend to land badly:
- "You could have told me earlier." They may not have known earlier.
- "It's fine", said the way you say it when it isn't. They can hear the difference.
Other lines make room for both of you. Some people find these easier to hear. They won't suit everyone.
- "Thanks for trying to get there." It names the effort you couldn't see.
- "I'm disappointed, and I'm not cross with you." Both halves are true, and saying both is more honest than "it's fine".
- "Do you want company, or quiet?" It gives them a choice that costs nothing.
You are allowed to be disappointed. A booked table and a week of looking forward to it are real things to lose.
You are also allowed to go. Some people agree ahead of time that a cancelled plan doesn't have to be cancelled for both. Whether that suits the two of you is a conversation for a better day.
The table can be rebooked. Tonight, the thing that matters most may be the first sentence you say in the hallway.