On Tuesday they cooked dinner. They told a long story about the neighbour's dog and walked to the letterbox and back without thinking about it.
On Wednesday you bring in a cup of tea at seven and find them flat on the bed, pale, saying they can't get up yet. Maybe not this morning at all.
You saw Tuesday with your own eyes. So the first thing your brain does is put the two days side by side and ask which one is real.
Both days are real
In one small study, eight people with POTS kept video diaries for 17 days. Every one of them talked about how much their symptoms went up and down, and how hard the not-knowing was.
The researchers noticed something else. The people in the study kept trying to work out why a bad day had come. The researchers thought this might be a way of getting some control back.
So the person on the bed may be asking the question you are asking: what was different about yesterday. They may not find an answer either.
In EDS, specialists use the phrase "boom and bust" for the pattern. They note that symptoms can be worse for a few days at a time. In interviews with 28 people with EDS, some described swinging between severe and mild symptoms.
Tuesday was real. Wednesday is real too. Neither is an act.
Nothing you could have seen on Tuesday would have told you Wednesday was coming. It may not have told them either.
What stings, and what some people find helps
The thought "but yesterday you were fine" is close to automatic. Saying it out loud is a different matter.
- "But you were fine yesterday." It turns their good day into evidence against them.
- "What did you do to set this off?" They may already be asking themselves. From you it can sound like blame.
Other lines take Wednesday as it is. Some people find these easier to hear. They won't suit everyone, and some mornings the kindest thing is to say very little.
- "Right. Wednesday's a different day. What do you need first?" It starts from today.
- "I'm glad we had yesterday." It lets the good day stay good.
- "Tea's here. I'll look in again in an hour." It asks for nothing.
Wednesday probably had things in it. You may be the one who now makes the phone call, or goes alone. You are allowed to be disappointed about that, and annoyed, and still believe them.
It can help to keep two things apart in your own head. The day is a letdown. The person hasn't let you down.
And Tuesday still happened. On a Wednesday like this one, both of you may forget that. You can be the one who remembers the story about the dog.